Dear God, Why do humans smell
the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is
it the same old story?
Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray,
and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would
it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' to the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God, If a dog barks his
head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal
instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God, When we get
to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will
I have to apologize?
Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
I
will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter
box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a
face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
My head
does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
Sticking
my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
I do not need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the
house.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across
the carpet.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
The
cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S.
Dear God, when I get to heaven can I have my testicles back?
TOP DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
When you run
away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
Yelling at me
for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over
everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
Taking me
for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose...stop it.
Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
Getting
upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...
How
you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Dog sweaters. Have you
noticed the fur?
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're
not home.
When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
Taking
me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
The sleight
of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you turd.
DOG DICTIONARY
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you
want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in
the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid which,
when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and
get the drool on the human.
SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar
to the human exchange of business cards.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors
put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If
you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum
aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then
swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which
affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the
world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger
by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents
throughout the house before your person comes home.
BATH : If you find something
especially good to roll in, humans get jealous, and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake
only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to
the command "sit!," especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie
events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking
a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the
regular bump doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.
CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting.
When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE:
A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
